My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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