highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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