my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize