I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
