She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
