If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
