drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
