Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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