you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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