Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
