3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize