How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
