All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
