When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
