Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
