Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
