Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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