seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
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