it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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