Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
