Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
3pm strippers are depressing
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
