2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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