I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
