Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
