is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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