Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
