Soap is not a condiment
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
