Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
