woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
