She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
