If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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