I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize