So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
