I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
