i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
