I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
did you just send me my own nude
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
