woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
