you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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