you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
