I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
