I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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