I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
