I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
