The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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