remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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