I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
