Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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