i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i think i just lost a toe
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
