I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
