Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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