Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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