Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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