those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
