***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
