T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
