i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
