drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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