I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
