dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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